If He Doesn’t Want You… Stop Trying to Convince Him Otherwise!

If a man doesn’t want you, you should never must plead your case and convince him otherwise.

Story time! Let me tell you about the time a guy dumped me after two dates and it took me almost a year to get him to love me.

We call him Kevin. He and I had a bunch of mutual friends and one of them set us up. After a string of painfully awkward and horrible dates, I was so excited to go out with someone who actually kind of fluttered me.

The dates were great…at least in my mind! He was charming, charismatic, fun, and he was over six feet tall and very sexy to boot.

Just as I was getting caught up in the thoughts and fantasies of what could be and where this could go… he called me and said he didn’t think it would work out between us, but let’s stay friends.

My jaw hit the ground. What?! How can this be? This can’t be right. An error has occurred, there is a malfunction in the system, I can fix this. This is repairable.

About two months later there was a party I knew was going to be, so me clear made you look great. I went to the party with friends and had a great time, went out of my way to pretend I didn’t even notice Kevin was in the room. His eyes met mine, we drifted towards each other, lots of flirty banter… and the evening ended with some passionate lovemaking. Mission accomplished, I solved it!

But no, no. I didn’t hear from him after that. Nothing. Silence. Not a word.

I didn’t understand, what went wrong?

This pattern would repeat many times. Weeks or months would pass, we’d run into each other, something would happen, I’d get my hopes up… and then nothing.

I knew he had some commitment issues so I reasoned maybe he just likes me at a lot! Yes! That must be it. He likes me so much and realizes we are perfect for each other and it scares him. I just need to help him be less afraid.

He and I shared a deep bond. It wasn’t just a physical thing. But he just didn’t want to be with me. And I just couldn’t accept that.

I reached a breaking point around my birthday in February. After a night out with friends, a bunch of people came back to my apartment for leftover cake and vodka, and somehow he ended up there too. He stumbled through the doors drunk as a skunk. He tried to make a move, of course, but this time I didn’t budge. I have self respect now, I’m not going to mess with you!

And instead I spent the rest of the night taking care of him, putting that self-esteem to work, girl!

I thought maybe this would show him…maybe it would be registered now…but no, I haven’t heard from him since. Not even a thank you for taking care of him.

I felt like a fool, but I just couldn’t let it go. And if I can’t let go, that must mean there’s something worth holding on to… right?!

Time goes on, we still have another run up to a birthday party and another make-out session (hey, at least I didn’t invite him upstairs!), and another week where I felt crushed that I didn’t hear from him.

More months pass, now it is summer. I’m with some friends in the Hamptons for the 4th of July weekend and so is he. I’ve resolved not to do stupid things, I’m determined to move on, I’m better than this. His eyes are always on me. Every time I talk to another man, I can feel his eyes burning through me, angry and indignant. But why? He could have me if he wanted! Doesn’t he know?! And he knew that… but he still didn’t want to do anything about it.

We’re having a barbecue on the last day of the long weekend. I am sad and stare, and he is sad and stare. His friend comes over to cheer me up. I ask her why he always stares. She replies, “Well Sabrina, he really likes you. We all know he does.”

And suddenly I’m ecstatic! “He does? Really? How do you know? Did he tell you?”

“I just know. We all know. But what’s the point? He’s not doing anything about it! He has bonding issues.”

And then it hit me. I had followed his feelings. I had tried so hard to make him love me. But the truth was… I didn’t really love myself. I didn’t really have a sense of worth. I thought if I could get this tall, charming, in-demand man to want me, then it would mean something. Then I’d be okay.

But it does not work like that. That’s not where self-esteem comes from. Even if he had wanted to give it a shot and be with me, I would have found something new to chase. A new title, a new milestone, a new compliment, new ways for him to validate me. It would be an endless hamster wheel. A road to nowhere.

I spent a lot of time thinking about Kevin and his issues and reading about avoidant attachment styles and men who can’t commit… sure, maybe a lot of this was true for him… but I couldn’t heal or heal him.

There was also the fact that he just didn’t want to date me.

At the time, this reality was again too painful to bear because I had no healthy self-esteem to fall back on.

I didn’t want to accept reality as it was, I created a new reality and told myself a new story. Was he some kind of selfish jerk? Yes. But was I also some kind of naive idiot who was the architect of my own misery for most of this “relationship”? Also yes.

The moral of the story is this: if he doesn’t want you, don’t try to talk him out of it.

Don’t try to take it out. Don’t try to get other people to talk him out of it, and don’t try to win him over by showing him how great you are. You might think when he sees you look great in that second skin dress again… maybe if you have another deep talk about your hopes and fears… maybe if you could show him what a great girlfriend you would be… maybe if you could help him heal from his parents painful divorce or help him get over the ex that broke his heart… then it would all work out.

But do you really want to work that hard? Do you really want to go through all this effort to show someone your worth?

The right man for you needs no convincing! In fact, if a guy really likes you, you’ll have an almost impossible time talking him out of it!

If he doesn’t want you, just let it go.

Let go of the fact that you have shared a connection… there are billions of people in this world, and I promise you can connect deeply with many others.

Let go of how great the chemistry was…often the flame that burns brightest dies fastest. Plus, it’s usually his lack of feelings for you that makes you feel so much more intensely for him!

Let go of what could have been… stop fantasizing about the potential of what could have been.

Don’t think about the past and all those special moments you shared. Don’t think about the future and how great it all could be if alone. Look at the present. If he doesn’t want to be with you right now, accept that as your reality. And don’t just accept it, embrace it. Think of it as a good thing. Be thankful that he realized early on that you guys aren’t right for each other, because it saved you from wasting even more time, going even deeper, and it freed you up to meet the man who is actually good for you.

In reality I am So grateful that Kevin had such resistance to date me (he never had a concrete reason, he said it was just a “feeling”). And I’m glad his gut feeling (or maybe it was his attachment style, who knows!) resisted, because looking back he saw was not the right man for me at all. And that relationship would have been a disaster, destroying every bit of self-worth I possessed at the time.

Kevin made me realize what I was missing inside. Once I saw the problem, I was able to solve it. Like dr. Phil says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

I worked hard, I dug deep, and I really got to the root of my issues and why I felt so unworthy to have love. Soon I felt better and more confident than ever in my life. I exuded a glow that was magnetic to everyone. At this point in my life, men lined up to date me and women lined up to be friends with me.

The only thing that changed was me. And not long after my metamorphoses were complete, I started dating the man who eventually became my husband (here’s the full story how that happened!).

Sometimes what feels like the worst thing that can happen to us can pave the way for the best things. But you will never get what you want by settling for what you don’t want.

So let him go, move on, be happy and get excited for what’s to come.

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